game Vincent Martinez  

Can’t buy me love, by the Dominoqq Beat All’s



In life, I have two goals; (That’s one more than Djibril Cisse.) to see world peace in my lifetime, and to make a consistent profit on football betting. Unfortunately, only one of my goals is achievable.


World peace moved a step closer this week as Arsene Dominoqq Wenger offered Alex Ferguson an olive branch. (He ran out of soup and pizza.) The Arsenal manager slammed the supporters who booed Sir Alex off the pitch last weekend, in a show of support for his old nemesis.


The Scot’s diminishing popularity is due to the team’s formation, 451 and 433 are not just the most common answers in the ‘Guess the age of Wayne Rooney’s next female companion’ competition, they’re also the source of the United supporters frustration.


A midweek win in Europe silenced the critics, and a return to form against Fulham will put the issue to sleep. The United manager will not be booed this weekend, although it’s a fair possibility that he’ll be hissed at some stage. Back Man U at 4/7 to return to winning ways.


The Liverpool v Chelsea clash looks good on paper, but on closer inspection, a dull game is the probable outcome. Liverpool have played four matches against decent opposition; away to Spurs and Boro, and home clashes with Man U and Chelsea, all four finished goalless. Tip of the week? You can’t spell Liverpool without two O’s. Get on the goalless draw at 8/1.


Alain Perrin’s tenure at Fratton Park appears to be drawing to a close. It’s bad enough when you haven’t won a home match all season, but sarcastically clapping a referee because you saw Wayne Rooney do it on the telly is unforgivable.


Pompey did well to draw both matches against Newcastle last season, Steve Stone snatched an equaliser in both games. Sharon Stone would struggle to score this time around. Back the Geordies to increase Perrin’s pain at 5/4.


Everton play Manchester City this weekend, a team they completed the double over last season with Tim Cahill scoring in both matches. Kate Moss scores more than Cahill now, get on Man City at 8/11.


Chelsea are officially the Beat All’s; the following musical specials are all available at Super Soccer.


“The Beat All’s” – Chelsea to score three or more goals 9/2

“Simply Red” – Paul Scholes to score; Man Utd to win 1-0 45/1

“Cole Play” – Andy and Ashley Cole both to score 22/1

“Aswad” – Rio Ferdinand to score at anytime 12/1

“Chubby Checker” – Wayne Rooney and Milan Baros both to score 5/1

“Fairground Attraction” – Robbie Savage to score at any time 4/1

“Musical Diouf” – El Hadji Diouf to score two or more goals 8/1

“The Cardigans” – Teddy Sheringham and Andy Cole both to score 6/1

“Shaggy” – Wayne Rooney to score a hat-trick 16/1

“The Red Hot Willy Peppers” – Gallas to score at any time 10/1


Most promising innovation of the week:


If you win by three clear goals, you receive an extra point. Arsene Wenger knows his tomatoes.


Least promising innovation of the week:


Salary capping. Modern day footballers will never accept headgear as payment.


Quote of the week:


“The Gargoyle’s not gargling.”

Gary Lineker has a go at Steve Bruce’s acting skills and questionable appearance in just four words. Well done.